Is there a Mrs The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water?

For paid subscribers this week an insight into my horny, murky depths that nobody asked for!

The evening after I arrived at university I very clearly remember everyone in my halls sitting on the floor of one girl’s room in a big circle, drinking wine from mugs, and trying to establish the basic facts about each other - where we came from, what we were studying, who we all were - with the subtext being that based on this information we would begin to form (or not to form) treasured, life-long friendships. To speed the process up someone suggested going round the circle and naming our ‘weird crushes’.

Looking back this is a horrible and dangerous ice breaker, not least because it might force people to out themselves, early doors, to a group of complete strangers, if they can’t think of a lie quickly enough. And it did force me to out myself because I couldn’t think of a lie quickly enough - but not in the way you’re thinking! As my turn crept closer, I became very aware that people were naming completely run-of-the-mill and above all human-shaped ‘weird crushes’. Caroline Quentin, Richard Hammond, Jamie Oliver… (no easy jokes, please, whatever else they may be those people are genuinely human-shaped). I knew I was going to have to come up with someone conventional but just offbeat enough to satisfy the group - it was that, or tell the terrible truth. The moment Weird Crushes was proposed as an exercise I’d thought ‘Oh shit, but mine’s… The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water! I can’t possibly say The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water’ and when it got to about three people away from me I thought ‘Oh shit! I actually AM going to have to say ‘The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water’.’